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I didn’t have the courage

Ok, so I bottled it (that’s a British expression meaning to not have the courage to go through with something you planned, not sure if that translates!)
I feel bad and embarrassed for myself but I think it’s important if I’m sharing my story here for others who are maybe in a similar situation that I share the downs as well as the ups. 
What happened?
Well nothing. There just didn’t seem to be any right time during the day to bring it up, and normal life was going on and throwing a huge thing into the conversation unexpectedly didn’t seem to be a good idea. 
So I thought I’d look for some online inspiration to help me feel positive about my journey so I would want to take the leap. 
Twitter was full of people talking about depression or discrimination they had suffered. That didn’t help. The first YouTube video that came up on ‘how I knew I was trans’ was a 100% passing beautiful young woman who was saying how she played with dolls as a child and wore pink and always knew, which just isn’t my story, and feels invalidating (even though I know that’s not the case). At least my Pinterest has lots of cute outfits and hairstyles to inspire me, but by this point all I could see were pretty ‘real’ women that I could never hope to be like. So the internet was not a great help!
I then got thoroughly miserable and convinced that I can never hope to be a woman and have no chance of happiness if I go that way, but also have no way of ever being happy staying as I am. 
Sorry to be all negative but that’s where I am right now. 
It will pass and I’ll get a grip on my feelings in a few days. 
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Comments

  1. Janet25 September 2022 at 20:07

    "That just wasn't me" is a very common sentiment among us late bloomers.
    https://janetannelogan.wordpress.com/2019/04/15/am-i-trans-enough/

    ReplyDelete

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