Skip to main content

I didn’t have the courage

Ok, so I bottled it (that’s a British expression meaning to not have the courage to go through with something you planned, not sure if that translates!)
I feel bad and embarrassed for myself but I think it’s important if I’m sharing my story here for others who are maybe in a similar situation that I share the downs as well as the ups. 
What happened?
Well nothing. There just didn’t seem to be any right time during the day to bring it up, and normal life was going on and throwing a huge thing into the conversation unexpectedly didn’t seem to be a good idea. 
So I thought I’d look for some online inspiration to help me feel positive about my journey so I would want to take the leap. 
Twitter was full of people talking about depression or discrimination they had suffered. That didn’t help. The first YouTube video that came up on ‘how I knew I was trans’ was a 100% passing beautiful young woman who was saying how she played with dolls as a child and wore pink and always knew, which just isn’t my story, and feels invalidating (even though I know that’s not the case). At least my Pinterest has lots of cute outfits and hairstyles to inspire me, but by this point all I could see were pretty ‘real’ women that I could never hope to be like. So the internet was not a great help!
I then got thoroughly miserable and convinced that I can never hope to be a woman and have no chance of happiness if I go that way, but also have no way of ever being happy staying as I am. 
Sorry to be all negative but that’s where I am right now. 
It will pass and I’ll get a grip on my feelings in a few days. 
Labels:

Comments

  1. Janet25 September 2022 at 20:07

    "That just wasn't me" is a very common sentiment among us late bloomers.
    https://janetannelogan.wordpress.com/2019/04/15/am-i-trans-enough/

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

23 Sep 2025 - a handbag?

I have not been out presenting female in public for about six months which is a long time.   The last time was my trip to London when I went out to the bar and dinner, which felt great, and to breakfast in the hotel which was less successful. At that time, I felt confident and like I could do this.   Following my wife catching me out with some of my underwear, I cut my hair, put away my clothes and didn’t do anything for a while. It seems my confidence got lost in that too, because when I started thinking about going out dressed again, I felt really nervous about it.  Probably doesn’t help that the anti-trans lobby had successes during this time and it feels a less safe thing to be doing now than it did six months ago.  Whatever the reason, I was pretty scared this time.  The biggest mental hurdle is around changing from male to female clothing, as I have to leave the office and arrive at the mall in male clothing, then be back in male clothing to go home so...
Post a Comment
Read more

4 Mar 25 - first time out at a queer bar

I can’t believe I’m doing this but I have left the hotel in a dress and full makeup and walked half an hour through central London to Soho and my first ever queer bar, She Soho, a lesbian bar and man-free zone. Unfortunately no mobile reception to share with friends. Have logged on to the wifi but that doesn’t work. Ok, so how do I feel? Lonely!  There are two groups of friends and a couple.  The chat is pretty loud and I’m sitting by myself which is a bit tragic.  But, the point is, I am out in public as openly dressed and made up as I have ever been. That on its own is awesome!  I have never done this before! To be fair to myself, if I was in a normal bar and dressed as a man, I wouldn’t be talking to anyone either, so maybe that is not something I should be stressing about. Why would I imagine that being in a dress is suddenly going to make me capable of socialising and speaking with strangers?   The music is pretty cool. The beer isn’t that good, and really ...
Post a Comment
Read more

6 Mar 25 - visibly trans at breakfast is more challenging

I was unsure whether to do this, but in the end thought “what the hell, why not try”.  Went to breakfast in the hotel wearing a dress, the same outfit I had worn to the queer bar.  This felt so much more exposing and uncomfortable than the queer bar or dinner.  It was daylight, crowded, a mix of work trips and families and a man in a dress in that environment is completely incongruous.  It may have been better if I had a different outfit, but I had only taken the one dress with me. It is probably a bit more “night out” than breakfast.   Staff were fine, and most people ignored me or didn’t notice. One little girl stared and a middle aged fat man actually walked away rather than stand next to me at the buffet. Hilarious.  Going back up to my room, there was a young couple who clocked me and I heard them comment. Then we got in the lift and she couldn’t stop giggling. Rude! Then two families got in the lift. It’s really hard to hide and be inconspicuous in a ...
Post a Comment
Read more