How do you actually “come out” as trans?

Having spent years thinking about who I am and what I want, and wasting many hours of your time dear reader, I have finally got to the point where I feel certain about my need to transition. 

And I’ve got to say, this feels great. It’s like a weight of doubt has been lifted and I can confidently move forward. I’m able to visualise a future and all the positives that can bring rather than only see the barriers along the way. I have hope, which is joyous. 

However, while my optimistic tendencies are happily looking to the future and how amazing that is going to be, there is one immediate and not insignificant barrier to be faced: at some point I am going to have to share all of this with my wife and teenager. 

Now the teen will be fine, he’s of the view that all genders and sexualities are normal and you can just be what you want to be. So long as I reassure him I won’t pick him up from school looking like a drag queen to embarrass him, he’ll be fine with it. 

My wife is a different matter though. For one thing, she is pretty anti-trans women and I’ve heard many times men in dresses are sick perverts and can “self identify” and then go into women’s changing rooms. (This is not what self identify means, but anyway). So that’s not a good place to start from. 

There is then the rather obvious point that she thinks she married a man and not unreasonably probably expected him to remain as one. 

I imagine that finding out that your partner was always other than you believed they were might trigger re-evaluation of everything you believed about your relationship and a sense of betrayal and that you’ve been lied to all along. I know if it were the other way around, I might start to question if any of it had ever been real. 

For the record, yes everything we’ve done together and commitments I made are real and I am still the same person, this one aspect of me does not alter any of that. But I can see why she would question it nonetheless. 

I expect she will also, not unreasonably, be worried about the effect that me transitioning will have on her. 

In many ways, it doesn’t affect her. I’m still the same person and it’s my body that will go through it all and me that has to adjust to a new way of life. For her, everything is pretty much as before. There will probably be a concern about being seen out with a “freak” and being embarrassed and about what her friends and family will think. Which are valid concerns for sure, but are indirect issues and not as big as the things I’ll be facing. But they are real and I can’t dismiss how she might feel about that. 

All things considered then, I’m not expecting a positive initial reaction or for Nicola to be welcomed into our relationship with open arms. 

To be honest, the fear of this reaction is one of the major barriers that has been holding me back from making any decisions and taking any steps. But if I am ever going to progress, I have to face this. 

I know I’ve got to tell her, but how?

Having thought about this a lot and planned out various scripts, I don’t think there is a good way of breaking this news. There are bad ways and worse ways, but no easy solution. 

I also can’t find a good time. There’s never a good time to shock someone with big news. It’s perhaps a case of finding some time when she’s open and receptive to talking. 

The first challenge is getting through initial shock reaction to explanation. If I can get to explanation then there’s some chance of the conversation going well. However, if she closes off or storms out on initial reaction before I get any chance to elaborate, then things are liable to go badly and be difficult to recover from. 

The thing is, I have spent decades getting to this point and know myself and the subject inside out. Coming out is effectively trying to get someone else to accept in about ten minutes what took me ten years. 

I do therefore realise that there is a need to allow time for her to catch up and not to spring everything in one go. To allow questioning and research and to expect one step forward, one step back. 

I think I should start with explaining my feelings and work towards what that might mean in practice, rather than just telling her that I intend to start transitioning. If I can help her to understand the why and how I feel then there is more chance of eventually finding support for what I need to do. 

Slow and steady, lots of listening and sharing from my part. 

But…and this is a crucial point. However the conversations go over time, there is one thing that I must keep clarity on: the decision to transition is a personal one (it is the ultimate personal decision) and therefore can be mine and mine alone. There can be no veto for anyone else and that has to be a hard line. 

Not sure when this is going to happen and there’s no good time, but I’m feeling it will be soon. Wish me luck!