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I am definitely trans

 As someone who has been blogging on and off for a couple of years about trans issues, it might seem odd that I now write a post about definitely being trans. 

If you’ve got through my earlier ramblings you’ll know that I have had a great deal of self doubt about this and even though I have wished to be a girl ever since my early teens, I have never quite been able to accept that I was actually trans. Even though I really wanted to be! 

I have this blog, and the trans community on twitter and a discord group of people like me in similar situations for support. Surrounding myself with this support network I felt more “normal” and so far as I can tell, very much like other trans folk. 

Of course my brain wouldn’t accept that my being apparently like all the other trans women meant I was one. No! Instead I started to doubt myself more and worry that it was the influence of my trans community that was making me think I was more trans than I actually am, because that’s what I want to hear. 

So I went “cold turkey” and left all the groups for the month of January, consumed no trans content, wore no female clothing, tried to think cis thoughts and not be trans at all. 

Effect?

Total clarity that I am trans and I want to transition to become a woman. 

Maybe the opposite of what I set out to achieve by taking a break! 

What matters though is that I know that this is genuinely my feelings with no outside influence. 

What is more, I felt certain that medical transition is going to happen. I have made no decision to do so, at least I don’t remember making any conscious choice, but I just know that I will do it. Not sure when, but for definite. It’s odd, as if there’s a secret part of me deciding this stuff and then telling me afterwards and I just have to go along with it  

Above all though, this discovery of certainty in who I am and what I want makes me happy and I feel free of the angst that I have always felt  


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