Textbook case?

I don’t actually know any trans people in real life, so my observations are based on the trans community on twitter. A community I joined in my female name (Nicola if you don’t know) and on which I exclusively follow trans women and a few non-binary folk. Maybe I should start that sentence: I’m not sure if I’m trans, but I joined trans twitter as a trans woman. Erm...  maybe there were signs?!  And I have a profile pic of me in makeup, a long wig, skirt and bodysuit. No signs at all!

I mean, I’m not sure if I am trans, but I started dreaming of being a girl when I was eleven when my puberty seemed to go in a less interesting direction than the girls in my class and have never stopped dreaming about it since. I think about becoming a woman all the time. If a fairy granted me three wishes, without hesitation wish number one is make me a girl. 

I have been experimenting with female clothing, underwear and makeup from my teens on. 

But For years I never knew whether I am trans or not. 

What I’ve learned from trans twitter and reading various blogs is that I am not unique. In fact, I seem to have followed a very standard pattern and have so much in common with other trans folk. Reading other people’s experiences is like a checklist of things that I’ve done, feelings I’ve had, dreams and apprehensions, fears and experiments. The more I read from others, the more I am just checking on the list. 

And the conclusion must logically be that if those people are trans and I am like them in many many ways then it’s likely that I am trans too. If there is such a thing as a textbook case then I would seem to be it. 

And yet I still can’t quite believe it. All the evidence points in one direction but am I really? 

What is ridiculous about my non-acceptance of what all the signs are telling me is that I consciously want it to be true. I really want to be a woman. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. So why can’t I allow myself to believe that I am trans? I mean it would make sense if I wanted to suppress those feelings and ‘man up’ but there is no part of me that feels that. 

I think it is that I don’t trust myself to make such a momentous decision. Even though it is what I know I want and that all indications are that I am trans and fit the classical profile. But what if I am wrong? How can I be trusted to decide what I want?  

Of course I can see that the only one in the world who can actually know what I want and make a decision is me. So I am being irrational in doubting myself. 

I guess this is where the fairy granting my wish to become a girl is so attractive because in that fantasy world I can just ask and the responsibility of making it happen is out of my hands. Plus I assume with the benefit of magic, everything is instant and perfect and I skip all the hard bits. But even now I have counter argued myself because the fairy would be following my wish so I still have to make the decision myself.  

So where has all this rambling got me to? 

Nowhere really. 

Evidence would suggest that I am trans. 

I want to be a woman and I always have. 

The decision makes itself then doesn’t it? 

Well it would but for the fear of the unknown. 

I have spent a long time thinking that transition would be impossible for me because of the consequences and things I would lose. Could lose. It’s not a certainty. But I am starting to think that it’s not so much the fear of the consequences themselves but the fear of making the wrong decision and facing them unnecessarily and irrevocably. Because if it’s the right decision then it is worth whatever happens to get to be me, a woman. If I am wrong though, then it’s not. Obviously. And that makes the decision to come out and start transition seem to be of huge significance with a binary outcome. 

That can’t be true though. The possible outcomes are not binary. The consequences of the decision may be a mix of good and bad in different areas of my life. There is a high level of uncertainty though. I read recently that most people stay in jobs or relationships that they don’t really want to be in because the prospect of change and uncertainty is more scary than the status quo is unsatisfactory. The author went on to suggest that allowing the fear of the unknown to override what you really want is a cage of our own making and that we can only be free if we accept that we have to make decisions without certainty of the outcomes otherwise we’ll never be able to move forward. 

This seems to me to be very true and explains my predicament. 

Is there a conclusion that I can draw from this? 

I may or may not be a textbook trans woman. That doesn’t actually matter.  I think the point of that has been to give myself confidence that in my feelings that I wish to transition I am not wrong. It’s information gathering. Trying to reduce uncertainty over the big decision. However, there is still uncertainty as to consequences and it remains too scary to make the jump right now. 

Even though I know I want to.