I recently wrote about a seemingly quite common feeling among those trans folks who have cross dressed before realising that they are trans; that maybe it’s just a fetish that I have got carried away with the idea of.
To save you the bother of going back and reading the post, I concluded that it was the other way around and the cross dressing came from a wish to be female, not the other way around.
Of course my brain isn’t going to let me off that easily. Not when I can find other explanations to discredit my feelings of transness.
I should preface this by saying that I have no knowledge of neuroscience and that everything I am thinking is probably wrong. However, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing and has led me to some worrying thoughts.
Ok, starting with things I do know about the brain. There is something called neuroplasticity which means brains aren’t fixed, and if you do something very frequently the part of the brain responsible becomes more developed. The best known example of this is cab drivers who get very developed memory and navigational zones in their brains from learning routes. The opposite is also true, parts of the brain that you don’t use become less developed. If you rely on sat nav then your navigation zone can shrink. I think that addiction mechanisms are not dissimilar, with the parts of the brain responsible for feeling pleasure developing more to respond to the addictive stimulus and so needing more inputs. Like I said, my neuroscience is shaky at best.
How is this relevant?
Well, in short, what if I wasn’t trans but by my actions have taught my brain to think it is? Could what I think of as my trans journey actually just be an escalation of an addiction and each step just further develops the need for the next? Have I just made myself think that I’m trans and therefore it isn’t real?
And if that’s the case, do I fall into the category of “false transsexual “ or autogynephile that Blanchard wrote about? I’m not going to start on that particular controversy, don’t worry, but I bring it up because when I happened to read about that classification and was feeling these concerns, it sort of felt like it explained me. I think the author of that and similar categorisations of trans people have caused a lot of angst to a lot of people.
I used to be nervous just going into female clothing shops to look around, then I was terrified buying female clothing thinking everyone knew I was “wrong” in some way. Eventually I managed to ask to try on a dress and was practically shaking with fear, but it went fine and the next time I wanted to try on a skirt, I was relaxed about it. So much so. I braved a bra fitting, so much more exposed and personal but I coped and I could do it again without fear. Is that working through barriers and overcoming fears by learning that it’s not as bad as I imagined? Or is it upping the ante to get the same excitement from the fear?
In truth I don’t really know whether I am taking steps on my journey or escalating an addiction. I like to think that it is the former and that I am overcoming fear rather than seeking thrills. I’m not consciously seeking thrills that’s for sure, I’m pushing myself to face challenges. A couple of years ago, I was scared to join a trans forum or to write down in an email to a friend that I thought I might be trans. Even saying the word to myself was terrifying but each time I did, it got easier. Is that making myself think something or just becoming comfortable with something I already felt?
Now I can say I am trans and I want to become a woman. Easy. And I truly mean it, that is what I want. But this nagging doubt in the back of my mind keeps saying “that’s not real, that’s just what you want to think”. Which I appreciate is a bit of a circular argument.
Does it really matter? If, through years of cross dressing, a bit of fetish and a lot of fantasising about being a woman, I have made my brain trans by over developing some part of it, then that is what my brain is now and it doesn’t matter whether it was trans or not when I first put on my mum’s bra to feel like the girls in my class, it is now.
I suppose the counter to that would be that if I have taught myself to be trans, can I undo it and teach myself to be cis? That’s another controversy to leave well alone I think. All I can answer for myself is why would I want to do that? I absolutely love my transness and being Nicola for real and forever is my dream. No part of me has any desire to be a real man (whatever that means).
What have we learned?
I may or may not have made myself feel trans. I can’t know for sure, but I still think the feelings of wanting to be like the girls came first.
It probably doesn’t matter whether I have always been trans or have made myself so, that’s what I am now.
Also, I am not qualified to talk about neuroscience but my brain is very good at learning a little and then using it to stress me out.
And yet my brain also tells me I am a woman.
I think it all comes from fear of what happens if I act on that feeling and finding reasons why it might not be true is a good way of preventing me from having to face that.
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