Impossible dream

 I haven’t written for a while because I had convinced myself that the whole idea of being trans and transitioning was just an impossible dream and that I should give up and forget about it. 

And this feeling came over me pretty quickly after having finally got my head around and accepting that I am trans and I do very much wish to fully transition and become a girl. These are things that I was scared to write down, but am now able to. This is me, I am Nicola and I am a girl and I want my body and life to fit with that. 

But....and there is always a ‘but’ right? But how can I transition to Nicola in my life? I will lose everything. I am married and she doesn’t know that I am trans. I have total confidence that if I tell her, that will be the end of our marriage. And with that I will have to find somewhere else to live, not see our son, get divorced, etc.  I work in a pretty conservative profession and I have to do sales and win business. If I transition I will throw away my credibility and reputation and the sales will dry up and my job will be at risk. At a time when I need money for the divorce and two houses and maintenance/alimony. What else can I look forward to? Rejection by friends and family. Ridicule in society. Risk of discrimination, persecution and violence. 

Transition is impossible for me and I should forget all about it. 

Except I am still Nicola inside. I do still long to be able to be me in the world and to know how it feels to have a female body. I will regret never finding out. And I am still not really male and still playing the part even though I know that it’s not me. Am I going to look back in ten years and regret not being a man for that time? I sincerely doubt it. 

So I am stuck between knowing who I am and what I really want but also all the fears and hurt and obstacles that make it impossible. 

So that is why I have been quiet for a while. I am stuck and don’t know what to do. 

I am back now though because something has changed. Nothing has actually changed but the internal narrative is different. I don’t know why, but I am starting to see how the impossible dream could become possible. I think much of my fears arise from not being able to see how Nicola fits into my male life. The fact is, she doesn’t. I can’t just carry on with everything as before but with a new name, hormones and a dress. It won’t work. And nor should I try to make it to. If I am going to be Nicola then I need to fully be Nicola. Nicola repressed and trying to still be in my male life is not being authentically her. If I do it then that needs a fresh start and a life that fits me as Nicola.   I don’t yet know how that will work, but I am starting to think that going back to university and another degree and then maybe a different career could be the way to find out who I am as a woman and make my life my own. 

For now though, I am not quite ready to take such a big step but at least I have some kind of positive vision of a possible future which I think is what I have been struggling to visualise.