Skip to main content

I want to be a girl

 My last post was entitled “to be a girl or to be like a girl” and was about how I obsess over this question in trying to work out who or what I am. It’s similar to the “am I trans enough?” question that I (and many others) also grapple with. 

Sorry to have wasted your time dear reader, but only now do I realise that I have been going around in circles asking myself completely the wrong questions. 

Well, it’s not entirely the wrong question, more that I have been conflating two questions into one and that is why I have never managed to escape the circles of my own wants and fears. 

My mistake is in mixing “what do I really want?” with “can I go through with that?”

It is hard to be clear about what I really want when this is always thought of together with my fears of consequences. 

What I have realised is that I have to deal with the two questions separately. 

I suppose that people pay therapists to point these things out and get to the answers more quickly. I can only apologise for taking so long to get there by myself and for rambling on about it. Which I am still doing! 

To the point: I am trans. I want to be a girl. I have dreamed of being a girl for thirty plus years. 

I have always felt that I could not say that so clearly because if I did, then it meant I had to act on it, with all that means. By separating the questions, I can speak freely my truth. 

Speaking of truth, I have always known this but have refused to admit it to myself. It has always felt safer to leave it as question. If you read my early posts, I have always referred to what I am as unknown. But I knew really. In truth, it’s only recently that I’ve found the ability to write down how I feel without it triggering fear and anxiety about what I am saying. When I first started my blog, even writing that I was wondering whether I might be trans felt like a terrifying admission that would come true if I wrote it down so I was fearful to do so. Now I am able to say it clearly: I am trans and wish I was a girl. 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

11 Feb 2024 - how do you open a “coming out” conversation?

Feeling better today and woke up feeling feminine which was nice. Wife still in bed.  I could come out, but only to the dog! Went for a run instead.  2.75 miles which is 0.5 miles more than last week but the last bit was a struggle. We talked a bit but I didn’t say what I need to say. Now she has gone to shower.   I also didn’t say anything in the afternoon and then failed to say anything in the evening too. The problem is that it isn’t the sort of thing that neatly segues into a conversation. “Funny that you should mention penile inversion vaginoplasty…” is unlikely to ever come up as an opportune opening.   And it is the opening sentence that I think is the hardest part.  That is the moment of “shock” so needs to be not too shocking. After that, I think I will find the rest fairly easy as it is just telling my story.   I think that “I’m transgender” or anything like that is too big a shock statement.  I think that a softer introduction of “I wish I w...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 Jun 24 - more correspondence from the gender clinic

I got details if the voice feminisation therapist through on the email and also links to the BMA and GMC guidance for GPs so I can do battle with the practice and see if they will help with my treatment by prescribing and doing the blood tests.  The voice coaching letter is interesting. It seems it’s not just talking in a higher pitch but also about resonance and it is that which makes the most difference. Which makes sense. The are women with high voices and low voices but they are all immediately identifiable as female, so there must be something other than pitch that signals this.  They also train for conversation, telephone and projection / public speaking as you use your voice differently in these situations.  Sounds interesting, maybe fun and most likely difficult to master.  I was visiting our northernmost office today and was hoping to be able to go out at the Mall on the way home, but there wasn’t enough time to fit that in. I am keen to have some more ...
Post a Comment
Read more

15th August - why transition?

I ended yesterday‘a post with a question: if I can find joy in just occasionally seeing myself as a woman, why would I want to upset my whole life and go through the emotional and physical pain of transitioning?  Is this a good question? Or is it just my protective brain once again trying to prevent me from taking a risky step? Could be both?  Assuming it is a valid question to ask myself, what are the arguments for not transitioning?  I have managed to live my life with my secret for decades and I am fine. When I do get to dress femme, I like it and it brings me happiness, and occasionally real joy. Real life is mundane and I am sure that dressing female all the time will not bring me perpetual joy and happiness, it will just be my normal. With suitable underwear and the right style of clothing, I can achieve the outward appearance of a female body shape and look pretty good (mainly thanks to the advantage of height relative to size). I don’t need hormones or surgery to ...
Post a Comment
Read more