I want to be a girl

 My last post was entitled “to be a girl or to be like a girl” and was about how I obsess over this question in trying to work out who or what I am. It’s similar to the “am I trans enough?” question that I (and many others) also grapple with. 

Sorry to have wasted your time dear reader, but only now do I realise that I have been going around in circles asking myself completely the wrong questions. 

Well, it’s not entirely the wrong question, more that I have been conflating two questions into one and that is why I have never managed to escape the circles of my own wants and fears. 

My mistake is in mixing “what do I really want?” with “can I go through with that?”

It is hard to be clear about what I really want when this is always thought of together with my fears of consequences. 

What I have realised is that I have to deal with the two questions separately. 

I suppose that people pay therapists to point these things out and get to the answers more quickly. I can only apologise for taking so long to get there by myself and for rambling on about it. Which I am still doing! 

To the point: I am trans. I want to be a girl. I have dreamed of being a girl for thirty plus years. 

I have always felt that I could not say that so clearly because if I did, then it meant I had to act on it, with all that means. By separating the questions, I can speak freely my truth. 

Speaking of truth, I have always known this but have refused to admit it to myself. It has always felt safer to leave it as question. If you read my early posts, I have always referred to what I am as unknown. But I knew really. In truth, it’s only recently that I’ve found the ability to write down how I feel without it triggering fear and anxiety about what I am saying. When I first started my blog, even writing that I was wondering whether I might be trans felt like a terrifying admission that would come true if I wrote it down so I was fearful to do so. Now I am able to say it clearly: I am trans and wish I was a girl.