Maiden’s Journey

 My last post was entitled “to be a girl or to be like a girl” and was about how I obsess over this question in trying to work out who or what I am. It’s similar to the “am I trans enough?” question that I (and many others) also grapple with.  Sorry to have wasted your time dear reader, but only now do I realise that I have been going around in circles asking myself completely the wrong questions.  Well, it’s not entirely the wrong question, more that I have been conflating two questions into one and that is why I have never managed to escape the circles of my own wants and fears.  My mistake is in mixing “what do I really want?” with “can I go through with that?” It is hard to be clear about what I really want when this is always thought of together with my fears of consequences.  What I have realised is that I have to deal with the two questions separately.  I suppose that people pay therapists to point these things out and get to the answers more quickly...

if Hamlet was trans? Not exactly.  Do you mind if I continue with the theme from my last blog about whether I am trans enough? Like I said, that seems to be a very common question for people in the trans community but I wouldn’t say it is quite how I characterise the issue in my own head.  The question I grapple with is: do I want to be a girl, or do I want to be like a girl?  What do I mean by that? To be a girl, I mean going the whole way and transitioning. To actually fully become female. Or is that I want to be able to be like a girl when I want to be, which does not involve major interventions and change, just being able to dress sometimes, grow my hair, have female friends and be seen as “one of the girls”.  Those things are all nice and have served me well over the years. I could continue with occasionally being like a girl and never go any further and that would probably be fine.  And yet there is a part of me that wonders what it could be like if I actu...