I have written previously about my first attraction to a girl when I was eleven and how I was as fascinated by how it would feel to be her and wear her swimsuit as I was attracted to the girl herself.
At the time, I had no idea that this was not “normal” and that it was a sign of who I am inside. I had no external reference as to how you should fancy girls, except for other teenage boys’ conversation which was mainly as sophisticated as saying “phwoar” a lot. This does not provide the unknowingly gender questioning boy/girl with many clues.
School did provide most of my early attractions and fantasies though.
One of the new subjects we had to do now I was at senior school was “performing arts”, which was on rotation with art and music. It was sort of a combination of drama and dance and took place in what was officially called the “theatre” even though it had no stage or seating. It was more of a dance studio space I suppose but strangely had no windows or natural light. The one thing it definitely did have though was a very strange and unpleasant smell. And it was this smell that gave the room its name among the kids, of the "cheesey feet room". Because it involved dance and movement, it necessitated changing clothes. For boys, we just wore our PE shorts and t-shirts and went barefoot. But the girls, they were free to express themselves. Being the nineteen eighties, this meant leotards and leggings, usually matching sets and generally in that shiny lycra like the "green goddess" on TV (I realise younger readers won't get that reference!). I expect the "normal" way of looking at my female classmates would be to ogle their shapes and curves in the skintight lycra. Was that how I saw them? Not exactly. I saw the outline of a bra through the leotard and imagined how it felt wearing a bra. Like I had over the summer with the girl in the swimsuit, I longed to know how the tight fabric felt on my body, this time not just the torso, but all over from feet to neck to wrists. Oh my, how must that feel? And those sort of dance didnt just end at the ankle like a regular pair, they go over the foot like a stirrup, covering the sole but leaving the toes, balls of the feet and heels bare. I assume this is for grip on the floor, functional not sexy, but to me, how does it feel to have the stirrup stretch around under your foot? Girls are so lucky! And the ultimate fascination of these outfits was the layering of the two parts. Leggings covering from the sole of the foot to the waist, then a leotard over the top, not just covering them, but somehow securing them (in my mind). Dressed thus, you wouldn't be able to take off the leggings to get to you underwear beneath, at the foot they are fixed by the stirrups and at the top, secured by the leotard. Even now, the idea of this makes my heart beat faster, as a young boy, it was the most thrilling dream of all. No doubt to the cisgender girls, they were just functional outfits that were fashionable and they chose the colour they liked and then maybe felt a bit self-concsious when all the boys in the class just stared at their breasts. Which I guess I did too, but maybe wit different thoughts in mind. So, what have we learned from this little trip down memory lane, if anything? At the time, I didn't know any different, but it looks like from the very beginning of puberty and sexual awareness, I was fascinated by the other path down which I was unable to travel, I was wanting to cross-dress to experience how girls felt, amd I was having female embodiment fantasies. That probably means I was "weird" and I was sufficiently aware of that to keep my feelings secret, even though to me, it was my normal. In case you are wondering, once I had left home and was free to dress as I liked in private in my own place, one of the first things I went out and bought was a leotard and leggings set.
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