Maiden’s Journey

I’m envious of cisgender women but not how you might expect I suppose that’s kind of obvious really. As a MTF trans woman (if indeed that’s what I am), I don’t have a female body but “real” i.e. cis women do. So it figures that I will feel envy or jealousy for that.  What is strange is that it is the little things that trigger feelings, more so than the obvious physical differences.  For example, women in the office who are wearing skirts or dresses have a range of subtle hand movements that they probably aren’t even aware of.  A little flick or smooth to the front of the skirt or dress when they stand up so that it hangs right; the smoothing down the bottom of the skirt or dress before sitting down, so it doesn’t crumple under them and is comfy to sit on. Just really trivial everyday things that cis women do out of habit but which I don’t get to do, because I am presenting as a man. The other one is adjusting their shoulder straps on their bras. Many of the ...

I’m certainly not feeling the 2nd January. Ugh. Set alarm, up in darkness and commute to work. Shock to the system and no mistake. But the other thing I’m not feeling is especially girly. You might imagine trans people (if that’s what I am) go around all day every day thinking about dresses and “wouldn’t boobies be lovely” and “I’m a lady don’t you know”, but that’s not how it is. For me anyway. Some days I just don’t feel it. I go around being a normal man, and don’t think anything of it. Maybe I’m just suffering the effects of an early alarm clock. I had even slept in a lovely pair of satin and lace knickers, really pretty. Usually I  would wake up, feel he difference and get a nice girly “glow” but not today. And they’re my prettiest pair as well. Strange. Perhaps I need more beauty sleep. Nx

So I was wondering what new year’s resolutions I should be making. Should 2020 be the year that I act on my gender questioning and take some positive steps to do something about it. Whatever that may be. Or maybe, 2020 should be time to put the whole trans question behind me, and get on with being who I was born as. I can’t really decide either way, one minute I know one way is right and the next I’m certain that it is wrong and I must do the opposite. Instead of being decisive I shall try to at least further my understanding of myself by keeping a journal of how I feel. This is day one of 365. Or it might be a leap year actually, so maybe 366? Based on past experience of trying to keep a diary, I will be doing well to get to day three, but we shall see.