Maiden’s Journey

Now there is a difficult question! It’s something that I’ve asked myself before and not really got an answer to but which came up again in my research and learning about transitioning.  I have been watching YouTube videos by a trans woman (Ashley Adamson) who posts a lot of advice and meditations for trans people. Her outlook is so positive and this has been really helpful for me to help overcome my feelings of fear and constantly dwelling on worst case scenarios. Maybe that’s a subject for another day.  What I want to explore now is something she said that struck a chord with me: You can put on a dress and do your makeup but that doesn’t make you a woman - you need to also find and embrace your femininity and learn what it is to be a woman inside. I’m paraphrasing and probably getting it wrong, but that’s the message I took from it. I need to find my way to be a woman.  Hence the title here. What does it mean to be a woman?  How do I do that?  Obviously it’s ab...

As I have discussed in previous posts, I’m in a place of feeling “stuck” and although I’m very sure that I am trans and should be a woman, I am not doing anything to progress into transitioning.  Because of fear.  And even before acceptance when I spent months and years going around the “am I really trans?” and “am I trans enough?” loops over and over again, that was also about fear.  I am going to cut myself a bit of slack here though. Being trans is a huge scary thing. Transitioning is an even bigger scarier thing. So I think feeling the fear is a fair enough reaction.  And I am far from unique or by any stretch the most fearful trans person that ever there was. I am quite cowardly generally speaking, but in this case probably no more than average.  I mean, look at the stats: there are many more people who report gender issues or a feeling that they are trans that there are actual transitioned trans women, who are a small minority even among our community. Loo...

I haven’t written for a while. In fact I put away the whole trans idea for a bit. I didn’t want to write. I didn’t want to even think about it.  This was a consequence of a sudden and unexpected reality check that hit me really hard.  I’m in some kind of limbo I suppose. I realised that I was trans quite some time ago, after a whole load of going around in circles. And I accepted it. More than accepted actually, I’m truly positive about it. I love the trans part of me and I know that I am female and that I should be the woman I know myself to be. It’s great. However, I am also terrified of doing anything about it, all the things that I might lose. All the usual stuff. The fear is a barrier and I have made no progress at all in so long.  I’m also someone who lives on hope. I can put up with my situation, or most things to be honest, provided I can envisage a hopeful better future. This is not good for living in the now and enjoying life but that’s a whole other issue so le...